I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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