well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
