I feel like abortions should bother me more
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
