on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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