Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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