remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
