OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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