I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
