I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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