from now on my penis is your penis
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
