In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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