fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
