well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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