The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she peed on how many people?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
