He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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