You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
