I hate all girls vehemently.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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