Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
