I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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