end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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