sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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