Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
