well I can't set my house on fire every night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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