Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
