cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
