Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
