This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
