If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
