Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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