wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
