WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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