I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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