from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
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