Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
