Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
