yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
