Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
