she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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