I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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