i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
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