im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
