Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
