yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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