When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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