I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
