I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
