My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
