Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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