Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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