you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
